Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Glossary for the Upcoming Election


Courtesy of The Onion:

Featured Term:
debate - A contest to see which candidate can answer the fewest questions.

absentee ballot - A form of voting that does not involve the inconvenience of having to get up off the couch and walk to a high school gymnasium.

ballot - An object recording a voter's decision that is frequently counted toward an election's outcome.

caucus - The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa's existence.

change - Can be found
1) In the air/wind.
2) At hand.
3) Inside us all.

convention - The best four-day-long chance a politically active, overweight Kia salesman from Tulsa has to nail one of them blond Fox anchors.

corruption - The most effective and efficient way to produce results in government.

delegate - A demented, often screaming individual who experiences intense arousal at the sight of a vertically printed placard bearing his or her state's name.

democracy - A moderately representative plutocracy.

Diebold voting machine - A sophisticated, computerized balloting terminal that electronically changes your vote into a vote for Mitt Romney.

election worker - A male or female at least 70 years of age.

electoral college - A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most important seven or eight.

experience - A quantitative score any politician may increase by slaying foes or solving riddles.

hope - An intangible object within every American that is destroyed every four years in November.

likability - The degree to which each candidate is able to hide the extent to which he or she is full of shit.

lobbyist - A better-paid legislator.

MoveOn.org - A company offering routine tests of your e-mail's spam filter.

platform - A list of the subjects that candidates are willing to discuss.
A raised structure, almost entirely covered by flags, upon which candidates are placed.

political consultants - Individuals who are very savvy politically, but don't have enough hair to run for office themselves.

political philosophy, conservative - A great way to meet chicks at Princeton University. U-S-A; e.g., U-S-A, U-S-A(!).

political philosophy, liberal - An ideology steeped in a proud tradition of ineffectual whining.

pollster - A person who willingly communicates with the elderly.

Rock The Vote - Something that is, apparently, still happening.

voter apathy - The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office.

3 comments:

USA_Admiral said...

"voter apathy - The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office."

That was a dead ringer.

RT said...

debate - A contest to see which candidate can answer the fewest questions.

Does any candidate actually REALLY answer any of the questions?

Loving Annie said...

Your definitions are great ! I wish they'd publish them in the newspaper :)